Wellness Wednesday: How to teach kids to share without sibling fights

Teaching kids to share and resolve conflicts can be one of the toughest challenges for families, especially when tensions between siblings rise. Dr. Amanda Morris, an adolescent development psychologist at OSU-Tulsa, says it’s a common issue, and one that can be turned into a learning opportunity for both kids and parents.

“This is normal and it's actually an opportunity for you as a parent to help children learn conflict resolution and to think about how their behaviors are affecting their sibling,” said Dr. Morris.

She encourages parents to involve kids in the solution process.

“When you see something like this, it's great to make it an opportunity to ask them questions. Well, how do you think that made your brother feel or your sister feel? How can we work together to solve this problem?” she explained. “If it's sharing, you know, it might be that you take turns or you figure out a way, but really encourage them to come up with the solution.”

When to Step In

Knowing when to let children work things out on their own, and when to intervene, is key.

“You have rules with younger kids, you know, always be kind, always help each other. And so if it's not kind anymore and you're hurting the other person, then that's when the parent kind of steps in and says, okay, what should we be doing here? How can you do this differently?”

Dr. Morris says framing the solution as a group effort can help.

“Sometimes you have to take something away for a little bit. So if they're fighting over the TV or remote or what to watch, well, if you can't come up with a solution, then we'll have to turn off the TV for a little bit.”

Stay Calm, Stay Kind

Throughout any conflict, Dr. Morris says it’s important for parents to model the right tone.

“You just always stay calm and stay kind. We're going to work this out,” she said.

She recommends asking reflective questions that help children consider their sibling’s point of view.

“If they've destroyed a tower, a Lego tower, you know, why could that be? How could that make that person feel?” she said. “So really trying to get them to start thinking about the sibling’s point of view.”

What If It’s Always One Sibling?

Sometimes, one child tends to start the fights more often.

“Sometimes siblings do this to try to get attention. And so one thing that you can do as a parent is try to figure out what's going on,” said Dr. Morris. “But as a parent, you can give each child a voice and each child an opinion. Try to get them to come up with a solution together that they're both happy with.”

Recommended Resources for Parents

Dr. Morris suggests parents check out the book Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure, as well as the related program I Can Problem Solve.

“It’s really teaching children conflict resolution skills and gives parents like a checklist of things that they can go through when they're working with their child on a conflict,” she said.